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Episode 67.

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Mad woman: you, wise! wise!! wise!!! *laughing* fool!!
Ugochukwu: the mad woman know say you be mumu too *laughing*
Me: *I nudge him* make we disappear from here.
Mad woman: those two ladies will be your ruin *laughing* hahahaha.
Ugochukwu: correct English kwa, this mad person go university of mad people oh!
The mad woman turned and started walking away joggling the container in her hands laughing and talking to herself.

Ugochukwu: talk truth, you don see that mad woman otu?
Me: are you insane or you are outsane, why I go fu-ck mad person with my precious and expensive p—k?
Ugochukwu: the woman dey talk about you, tell me bro. You don impregnate any woman?
Me: you know say I no go ever try that nonsense, I am always conscious of my sper-m.
Ugochukwu: is your spe-rm conscious of you oga bachelor of biology?
Me: *I hiss* here nodey safe, make we commot here biko.
I entered my car and ignited the engine, Ugochukwu stood were I have left him before, his right hand cupping his chin.
I horned at him twice before he moved away and left for his car, I was confused.
I started driving away thinking and the voice of the mad woman re-echoing in my mind. What does she mean by two women? And all the dreams I have been dreaming does it really have any business with what the mad woman was saying.

I looked at my side mirrors as I drove to check if I could see the mad woman again, but I couldn’t find her anymore.
I felt disturbed and asking questions I couldn’t produce an answer to, we were on the road for an hour before we finally got to the tarred road that led to my own yard.
There are just two yards before mine since the street wasn’t that developed, Chinonso was riding tyres with some kids when he saw that am the one driving.
He raced off screaming, I didn’t speed because kids from the other two yards were all over my car cheering me.
I drove slowly while I focused at the view of my yard from the widescreen, suddenly my tenants came out in great number and their sizes.
Choi.. Political power sweet oh.

Suddenly the women disappeared one after the other and came back before I could reach the second yard that is next to mine.
They rushed out with their wrappers and lay it on the ground, I was shocked. Ah ah! is too much na, I was touched by their love and affections.
I killed the engine and stopped the tyres from climbing their wrappers.
The moment I opened the car’s door the able youths in my yard ran over and grabbed the leg that I wanted to drop on the ground.
Me: hiaa! make ona drop me oh.
Chidi: no oh, honourable talk and do! na up up we dey carry you go oh, no going down.
With that I find myself in mid-air, with hands lifting me up cheering happily, this people will not kill me oh!
I was smoking emotions then, the welcome back party dupe mheen… They carried me up cheering and hailing the others were dancing and singing a song raised by the women.

They dropped me at the corridor of my yard and Anderson stood beside me, Ugochukwu was able to find a place and park his car. He sat on his car arms folded watching us.
Anderson: who say we no go win oh!
My tenants: fire!
Anderson: thunder!!
My tenants: fire em mama fire, thunder fire em papa fire!!
Anderson: honourable!!
My tenants: talk and do!! *they chorus*
Me: *I raise my hand* from today no more rent payment.
My tenants: haaaaaiiiiiyyyyy! you too much ooohhh! honourable talk and do, gbessee!! oga for the people.
Me: *I raise my hand* I go make sure say better road and street light go enter this road.
My tenants: five gbooossaaa for our honourable talk and do…gbooossaaa! gbooosssaaa! gboooosssaa!! gbossssaaaa!!!
Me: don’t forget to vote for?
My tenants: N – P -P.

I waved Ugochukwu over and then entered the hallway then unlocked my room and got inside my room, I sat down with heavy heart.
I couldn’t get those words of the mad woman out of my mind, later Ugochukwu came in and met me sitting on the bed shirtless.
Ugochukwu: no wonder mad people sabi you well well, you rent house give all the mad people wey dey wear shirts for Port-Harcourt.
Me: forget about joke for now, guy something dey bother me.
Ugochukwu: *he sit beside me* see love them shower you, you suppose dey happy.
Me: I don fu-ck up well well for this yard, I no deserve am.
Ugochukwu: see, them miss you. You be the leader of the mad people you rent house give na.
Me: *I eye him* you dey call me mad person or wetin?
Ugochukwu: you no hear that one from my mouth oh, na you compose am.
Me: *I hiss* bro, we need to find way to get solution to wetin the mad woman talk.
Ugochukwu: I get place wey wan go go, you go even watch your life for mirror, make that mad woman matter no bother you.
Me: oya na, make we dey go.
Ugochukwu: is your sense diabolic? I need food and rest, maybe evening.
Me: wetin be maybe?
Ugochukwu: if you no go misbehave with the food I want, I need executive food like the ones we enjoy for governor house and one fine babe to digest the food.
Me: wetin happen to water?
Ugochukwu: I don see am say you nodey serious.

I had no choice but to send someone to prepare soup of ten thousand according to Ugochukwu.
He demanded all the sweet sweet meats and expensive fish wey dey market. I just dey look em mouth as em dey instruct Cynthia. I be wan cover em mouth make am swallow all the things wey em dey talk with em spit, I no try am sha… Before em go change mind.
Ugochukwu: what of the babe na?
Me: which babe?
Ugochukwu: to digest the food.
Me: food kwa? wetin do water?
Ugochukwu: ehnn.. I don see am say you wan use sense.
Me: you wan cheat on Shantel.

That is how I persuaded him to drop the babe matter, I swear em pain me to cook one pot of soup with ten thousand naira when them no go kill King Kong and Elephant meats put inside the soup.
The thing pain me well well, I swear.
I was still nursing my pains when Cynthia returned from the market complaining that things are too expensive bla bla bla.. No change, thief oh!!
She went to the kitchen to prepare the meal while Ugochukwu held his phone and started chatting away, a knock landed on the door.
Me: make ona come in.
Akpan: *step in* good evening, oga landlord… Oh.. Sorry, honourable talk and do.
Eni: *appear behind him* good evening, honourable talk and do.
Me: this one ona remember me, hope say no be traditional case ona come report.
Apkan: not at all, we wan talk say we are sorry. Mbok! forget wetin Eni and me do.
Me: na me suppose to apologise, I go come see ona later.
Eni & Akpan: honourable talk and do, we hail you ooohh!
Me: later.

Naso them carry their wahala go, The soup was ready later and we ate. Ugochukwu demanded I should beg him before he will get up and follow him.
I be wan tell am go and fu-ck that mad prophetess but I know how em go be las las, I begged him for five minutes na the timer the big head set for me.
We drove to a place that I have never even thought of being to, a nice street with tarred road.
There was a billboard at the front of incomplete building “MADAM SOLUTION” written boldly on it. We walked inside the small consultation room.
I looked around and saw white materials nailed to the wall and the ground, everything was white even the table a white material is laid on it. A white basin is on the table with water and a mirror placed by the edge clothed with white.

A lady stood with bell painted white in her right hand, she wore a white gown and a white cap on her head.
She no even look us for me to see the size of her bo-obs and the foolish table don cover her yansh.
White woman: leave!!
Me: *I look Ugo* you say!?
White Woman: leave!!
Ugochukwu: madam solution na me and my friend oh, no be your normal customer.
She turned and looked at us angrily, the woman really fine oh. Pointed nose and flawless face, I just dey admire.
White woman: get out!!
ehnn.. wetin be this woman own?

To Be Continued…. . . . 

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